At long last I resume my blogging.  It’s been so long I’m embarrassed to say I’d even forgotten my password to log in to this thing.   It’s not as if I’ve been overly busy or ‘tied up’ with other obligations. On the contraire, these past five weeks have felt more like the real me went to sleep; leaving only the  randomest (and not so sightly) parts of myself to sustain the appearance of life.

I diverged from my career goals after losing a tank of confidence.  The days I spend idling in the foul mouth of discouragement; its tongue filing my spirit down to the marrow. (I remember suddenly the story of G-d sparing Jonah in the belly of a whale).   

The stormy transition was to be expected.  Change as radical as this is never seamless.  But I am not, nor ever was, the pinnacle of grace and seasoned prudence that probably should’ve been required to continue the committment I made to yoga practice.

 I have tried numerous yoga instructors and numerous studios in search of solace and mentorship to replace that which I lost when I left Chicago.  After ten or more mismatches, I finally found beacons of hope. Diamonds in the rough.

Since mid-June, I was added to the schedule to teach Monday and Friday mornings at A Body in Balance on the NW side of Las Vegas.  To date, not a single student has participated in my class.

Since mid-June, I was added to the schedule to teach Monday and Thursday evenings at Child’s Play on the SW side of Las Vegas.  To date, one student participated in my class.

It is disheartening.   But enough about my personal “sticky”. Let’s get back to the meat.  The real reason I do this.  The passion and the beauty.  The yoga!

Today’s class (which no one showed up to) began in a sitting meditation (Sukhasana) pose.  First some time for breath awareness.  Then some shoulder massage, neck rolls, shoulder shrugs and shoulder rolls.  Side stretches and a little repetition I like to call “knee bows”:  you bow while on your knees.  Duh.

I wanted to do Sun Salutations A,  Yoga Mudra, Warrior I, Pyramid, and Warrior III.  I was so pumped to try this sequence with the arms wrapped behind the back, cupping the elbows.  I like the way the forearms rest just above the kidney loop, in the valley of the thoracic spine. It’s soothing to me.  I wondered if it might soothe students equally? 

Returning to a sun vinyasa to wipe the slate clean,  I wanted to move to low lunges on the knee to open the iliosoas muscles, followed by hamstring stretches to open the backs of the legs in preparation for Hanumasana.  Hanumasana, monkey, is one of my personal favs.  While I’m not particularly comfortable in the pose, I still love it.  I use a block for support beneath the hip bone, and I love to suspend the “leaping monkey” for a few breaths; imagining I too am leaping over my strife with an open heart and a sense of childlike playfulness.

I’d have continued with Down dog, into Pigeon and Marichyasana.  I’d have ended Savasana with legs up the wall, block under sacrum.  I love this energizing, restorative, healing, happy pose. 

 

I suppose I’ll pocket the plan for another class.  It’s just that I really enjoy writing a sequence the day of or the night before I teach.  I spend time on it.  I run through it myself and adjust the sequence where things don’t feel natural.  I really love to weave in affirmation and meditation.  I LOVE teaching yoga classes. 

 
Some of the other, more established instructors at my studio utilized me as a substitute on occasion.  I LOVED these opportunities because students actually showed up!  The pressure was one but I did what I had to do.  I am constantly doubting my abilities, but I get out there and do it anyway.  I know the only way to improve is by doing-ya know, make your mistakes – learn from them and move on. 

 

I’m aimless and I feel as if this post is an appropriate reflection of my aimlessness.   It’s good to record these strange moods on the page.  I wonder often how I will look back on this year of my life.  I wonder if I will write it off as the year I went crazy.  Or the year I made the best decision of my life.

 
I need love.  Every day, through all the funniness, breakdowns, zigzagging, trying and failing, reaching, restraining, lifting, dropping, spending, saving, beating, breaking, building and blinding…I always know the one true fatality of my world.  And it’s that I need love.  

I can’t describe the gestures, or the ways, or the measurement of my need.  Just that it’s probably borderline excessive and it probably needs to come from within where I keep prodding for it out there.

 

Heavy knuckles and eyelids ask me to end here.  Good night.